If you think about it, it will drive you nuts. More people get into trouble by assuming incorrectly what another person is thinking, whether it be about their appearance, their position on a given subject or about their character in general.
The brain is an amazing control room that regulates every aspect of our body, including maintenance of itself. But beyond the around-the-clock internal life support system, the brain processes thoughts associated with innumerable intake sources involving smell, taste, touch, sight and sound. Most of these generate pleasant or unpleasant responses, and many are used to protect the body as well as to nourish it.
A great part of our brain activity, however, is centered on interpreting communication using sight and sound. Reading something causes us to judge it for accuracy or fairness, or even to compare it to our own life experiences. Seeing things, be it real life or reproduced life, evokes similar responses. Touch is added for emphasis, whether it be intimate, directive or hostile.
Basic human nature is that, upon meeting someone, we assess who they are and how we feel about them. This relationship can progress either personally or as additional information is fed to us about the person or group. As we get to know someone, we begin to build an expectation of how that person will react to what we say and do. This is not a bad thing, necessarily, but can eventually cause a relationship to become stale or to deteriorate.
The greatest danger in communication is to presuppose what a person is thinking or how he/she will react. And most of us do it. Communication begins to breakdown when either party is offended about being second-guessed. It becomes further muddled when, in debate or argument, we don’t listen because we are already preparing a response before the other person finishes. Add to that the need to be truthful, and it’s easy to see how conversations can break down quickly.
It is also human nature to assume that our side of the conversation is clear, accurate and well-thought. We dig in and tend to not want to concede any valuable points to the other side. What can be done to improve our relationship with others? Here’s three points to consider.
LISTEN - We don’t do it well. Give the other person time to make their point, and sincerely listen to what they are saying. Concentrate, and don’t begin drafting your response in your mind before you hear them out. Believe me, you won’t forget what you were going to say.
So what if you get a long-winded character who seems to like to hear themselves speak. Give them a few minutes to speak, then calmly hold up your hand, palm forward. It’s a very effective tool that usually gets a response, where you can say, “Do you mind if we break this down into smaller bites, so that each of us can understand what the other is saying?” It’s hard to continue speaking when an open hand is held up between you and your listener. Try it.
ASK QUESTIONS - By having brief points and counterpoints you have opportunity to confirm what the other person is saying. This completely eliminates second-guessing and indicates to the speaker that you are involved in the dialogue.
LOVE - You should recognize everyone as a child of God (even though many don’t act like they’re in his family). Be conscious of the fact that events or experiences in their lives have brought them to this point. They may have been hurt or lied to, as have you. This puts you on a level playing field. Your goal should not be to win an argument; it should be to engage a friend, a brother or a sister.
Our example in this is Jesus. He knew when to be silent, and he was great at answering questions with questions. Overall he looked on saint and sinner alike with love. With his Father’s love. To be sure, he knew the heart of the speaker, which gave him an advantage, but in practice he handled all conversations the same way as he would have us handle them. Even while rebuking the Pharisees he showed them respect and was careful not to make personal attacks on an individual.
So do me a favor. When speaking to me, don’t assume that you know how I will respond. Don’t let your assumptions shape your message. Ask questions. Answer mine. And love me.
Let’s talk.
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